As this is my first post on our blog, I’ve wanted to share about myself in such a way that I would normally not like to do. I have an addiction to the belief and feeling from others that I’m a nice guy, so talking about myself in this way for everyone to see has been quite a challenge and something I’ve been very resistive to do.

As long as I can remember I have basically believed that there probably is a God, I also felt that there were two teams that played ‘the game’ (life). One were the good guys and the other were the bad guys. At some point in my past I made a clear decision that I was going to play for the bad guys. This was greatly facilitated by the fact that I hadn’t really developed a conscience, I had a very poor moral compass, very little ethics and had come to believe that being emotional was a weakness. I then began to take actions to become as emotionally detuned and ‘in control’ of my emotions as I could. I essentially aspired to be a socio-path. Amongst all this I feel entitled to treat people in any way that I see fit and that the world around me is there for the taking. I believed it was only a matter of choice for me to take an action and bad luck for whoever would be hurt in the process. I honestly gave it little to no consideration.

I also believed that in the world, money was like a God and with it you could wield power, control, influence and buy your way out of or into any situation. I have so much anger about feeling like I had no money that I would do anything to obtain it. The way in which I believed I could achieve this in a short amount of time and from a place of very little money was to become a drug dealer. I didn’t just want to deal drugs to support my own habit, or to make just enough money to survive, but rather to make a vast fortune and empire that stretched across the world. I wanted to own the world and I was arrogant enough to believe that I knew how to do it. It was going to take time, planning, patience and to develop the ability to take whatever actions I felt to be necessary to achieve my goals, be it murder, rape, torture, lying, stealing, prostituting, pimping, drug dealing etc.

I didn’t begin this all at once but rather started ‘small’ and moved from there, it seemed to get easier as I did more bad things. I now understand that with any Sin, engaging one Sin leads you into the next one and so forth. From my experience this also seems to be exponential in nature, as a plunge into darkness starts off slow but can rapidly pick up in pace and scope. We usually have a ‘boundary’ as to what actions we are willing to take but once you begin to break these ‘boundaries’ its like you realise that they don’t really ‘exist’ and breaking the next one seems to get easier than breaking the last. It is a very ‘slippery slope’ and I wanted to slide down it.

Even though I haven’t committed the criminal act of murder, or ordered the murder of anyone, I have wanted to do it, even fantasised about taking ‘revenge’ on people that I believed had ‘hurt me’. I have taken actions like drug dealing that support others to do so and helped to create an environment that breeds this action. Through drug dealing I have supplied chemicals that are a poison and has resulted in the deaths of many people through overdose, suicide, accidents, being murdered and the rapid degradation of the physical body that occurs from drug abuse. So from Gods perspective, in my heart I am a murderer.

I have encouraged others to destroy their own lives by supplying them with drugs that do nothing but destroy the lives of the users and damage a lot of people around them. So in effect I have helped to destroy the lives of 10s or even 100s of thousands of people. My choices and actions that I have taken are still having a negative flow on affect in the world today, both in the physical and spiritual universe. Basically I have done all of this just to feed my own addictions, I have profiteered from the pain and suffering of others, which were usually the most hurt and vulnerable people in society. I cant even begin to imagine to what extent this damage is still going on from the choices I have made and at this point I really don’t know how I will ever stop it.

Even though I have stopped taking these ‘criminal’ actions, I still have a whole set of beliefs, justifications, emotions and attitudes that continue to support this and until these are removed there is always the potential that I could take similar actions again, so in reality I am still potentially a danger to others and society. This last point has been a really hard one for me to accept even though it has been clearly explained to me by both Jesus and Mary. In the past when I first decided to not be involved in the drug industry any more I thought that I was sorry for what I had done and would never do it again. It’s been a sobering truth for me see that in fact I haven’t really even truly begun the process of being ‘sorry’ and actually repenting for these crimes.

Basically all of these emotions still affect the choices I make today – to be unloving to the people around me, I still don’t want to really Love others, I want to take from them and for them to serve me and my addictions. I don’t want to take full responsibility for my choices and actions but rather blame others, minimise, justify etc. I don’t want to feel or see the true extent of the damage I have done to others and continue to do now.

Ironically I have had aspirations and taken actions to become a very nasty, dark and unloving person but at the same time I wanted to believe and to have others believe that I’m actually a nice guy. Even though my aspirations have begun to head in a more loving direction I am still addicted to the idea of me being a nice guy, so I don’t want to see where I am being unloving. This addiction also helps me to avoid seeing the extent of my past Sins.

At times now I do feel some shame for what I have done and sometimes feel that I want to become repentant but I still don’t want to take the full responsibility that is required by God to truly engage the process of Repentance and Forgiveness.

This is an area that I would like to continue sharing about as I discover more about the process and experience it for myself. One of the areas that I have some experience in so far and have grown some Faith in is the process of confession – to begin to take some responsibility for my actions by being honest with the authorities about all of the times that I have broken man’s laws. This topic will probably be my next post within this subject and I plan to share the awesome personal feedback that Jesus and Mary have given to me about this.

Love,

An ashamed David

 

The title of this post was inspired by the ABC program ‘Hello Stranger’, you can check it out on ABC iview. https://iview.abc.net.au/show/hello-stranger

If you would like to explore Repentance & Forgiveness further I suggest starting by watching this series of talks by Jesus and Mary on the subject. The video can be found here.

Divine Truth Website: https://www.divinetruth.com

Divine Truth YouTube Extended Videos: https://www.youtube.com/c/divinetruth…