For years David and I have joked about our co-dependence, we sort of viewed it as a little issue that we would need to deal with down the road (a long way down the road). I never saw it as something that was holding us back or harming us.

I have recently become aware (rather suddenly) that it is actually a serious problem. By engaging in co-dependence with David, I am holding myself back, I am holding David back, I’m not developing my relationship with God and I am making unloving choices that are harming, not only us, but others outside of the relationship!

Rock Pool at Urunga, NSW, Australia

In Oct, Nov and Dec this year I was able to take part in the first Volunteer Selection Programme run by Eloisa and Tristan and mentored by Jesus and Mary. This programme “is a trial or a test period designed to identify permanent, passionate and desirous individuals who desire to give to Divine Truth and/or God’s Way organisations”. You can find out more about it here. Overall I have really enjoyed this programme, the feedback I have received and the truths I have learned have been immensely powerful. Writing a post about the program is on my to-do list, but in short I am so grateful that it was run, that I was chosen to take part and I’m very glad that I did.

The biggest issue that I discovered (was given feedback about) was how detrimental my co-dependent relationship with David is. I was told that if I continued this co-dependent addiction I would not be a suitable volunteer.

In my desire to have my own addictions met I have been in constant emotional agreement with David, regardless of whether his opinions, emotions or actions were in or out of harmony with Love. I have adopted his attitudes and acted based on them. This is wrong for a number of reasons; it is not true to myself and my emotions, it is not self-responsible, and I have made some very unloving choices because of this.

A short description of the biggest co-dependent addiction we are currently aware of and engaged in:

• Sorcha wants David to make her feel safe, secure and approved of, manage her emotions and do things for her that she’s afraid to do, because then she can avoid her fears. David supplies this emotion because he believes that’s what a man should do for a woman and this makes him a good guy.
• David wants Sorcha to tell him he’s a good guy, because without this he feels like he is worth nothing. Sorcha supplies this emotion because she wants to believe that David is a good guy and because then he will give her the emotional security she wants.

 

In the 7th week (out of 9) of the programme David was asked to leave because of attitudes he was holding on to that were in the way of him becoming a volunteer, which mean’t that I would be going on alone. He left to go back to NSW the next day. This was pretty scary for me. I really wanted to continue the programme but I was in a place I wasn’t particularly comfortable without my ‘security blanket’ (aka David). The next week was pretty hard, I spent a lot of time feeling quite afraid and sad, and occasionally angry. I was not used to being so emotionally connected to myself and what is really going on inside me. I felt uncomfortable and afraid, and I often felt like it was all too much, that I would never be good enough and that I should just give up and go home, but when I let myself go through these emotions, afterwards I would feel so much lighter, clearer and more positive. Gradually I felt more and more sure that this is the path I want to take, even if it means doing it alone.

In the last two weeks I have been able to notice a marked difference in myself, compared to how I act and feel when I am with David. I have also had this confirmed to me by Jesus, Mary, Tristan, Eloisa and Lena, which was lovely because I’m often afraid that I am deluding myself whenever I notice a change. I have been more engaged, open and grateful. I have found it hard to come to terms with the fact that I could be so immensely different by just not having David with me. It is quite incredible. The real challenge though is going to be continuing this, and as Jesus said, they want to continue to see the ‘new’ Sorcha, rather than the ‘old’ one.

I have the opportunity to become a volunteer in the near future if I choose to stay true to myself and not continue to engage the addiction when I am back with David. This is a massive motivation and so exciting, but I am also quite afraid and feel incapable of this challenge. For most of our relationship I have believed that David was more loving than myself and I tended to defer to his judgement, so it is going to be a challenge to take responsibility, make my own choices and take action based on my own feelings. I have faith though, that if I do, our relationship will be better, and I will be stronger, than ever.

 

Love,

Sorcha