As a teenager who was afraid of the people around her and who had been treated unkindly in primary school, I developed a facade that I thought protected me. I learned later that for years the other kids at my high school were sure that I was a cold, unfriendly bitch. I had been so afraid that they would be mean and make fun of me that I built up a wall around myself and the feelings I projected out were that of fear and frustration (“go away, I don’t want to know you or talk to you”). I think I still use this shield sometimes, but not nearly as much as I used to.

Change can happen so slowly that you don’t notice it until months or years later. In June last year friends of ours, Fab and Laura, pointed out the change in my facade that they had noticed and when I stopped to think about it I could see the difference. In general I am more open and friendly with others than I was a couple of years ago. At around the same time a friend of David’s made the comment that he often found me repellant. I thought this was a harsh term but I can see the truth in it now. It’s exactly what my “leave me alone” facade aims to do. It didn’t matter how nice or kind I thought I was, I  obviously wasn’t treating others this way. I want to show people kindness but I can’t do it from behind a wall…